sick and tired.

***This is a post I wrote 2 weeks ago but forgot to post (most likely because I was sicker than a squished toad and in my germy fog forgot I had written it)

As of right now I’m sick. As in a coughing snotty mess with the attention span of a grape. And yet, I am going to try to write this because it needs to be done.

For 3.5 years I have been caught on the same turning merry-go-round with the same guy (“Ken”), where, just as the confusion and chaos begins to fade and I think maybe he’ll jump aboard or stop it all and let the spinning stop, he pushes the merry-go-round for one more mind crazed spin. By this point my heart is puking.

The simple question is: Why I haven’t just jumped ship and left him in the dust trying to figure out where I went…

Honestly? I don’t know know why.

I’ve known him for 3.5 years and can count on one hand the number of times we’ve hungout in person. And yet (and here’s the part that does me in and is most likely the reason I’ve stuck around for so long) he and I talk on a weekly, and when things are going really good, daily, basis. And yet (yes that line again) we only converse through text messages.

I am completely head over heels for a guy I only know through what he chooses to tell me in a message on a tiny glowing screen. I’m crazy right? If a girl was telling me all of this I would think she was insane and in need of a harsh dosage of reality. But because I’m the one in this situation, I feel like I can justify it, if not to anyone else, to myself (I know I still sound crazy).

The sad fact is this guy (I believe) knows me, gets me, end of story.

In my defense, it hasn’t been all about him over the years, (as you can probably tell from my previous posts) there have always been other men. It’s never been him or nothing. I’ve dated other guys, even had a serious relationship during that time, and I was happy. But here’s where the problem lies: When all those other guys are gone, or they just aren’t quite “cutting it” I wind up right back on the merry-go-round with Mr.Texter.

All I can wonder is why? Am I lonely? Am I bored? Or do I actually believe that there might be a possibility for true romance with this guy?

Here are the facts:

• He never ignores me.
• He’s told me details about his family.
• I’ve been to his house, and met his dog.
• He’s expressed genuine serious feelings…

And yet here is were we stand:

• 1 date
• 1 movie night at his house
• 2 random hangouts
• and millions of text messages

Looking at that, I honestly think I’ve lost it. He doesn’t feel real, and that is a horrible feeling.

Yes I’ve seen him smile and kiss me. I’ve seen him stressed and defeated. I’ve seen him laugh and seen it reach his eyes. But do I really know this guy?

I know his favorite teams, foods, color, and past times. I know that nothing comes before sleep on his list of favorite things to do, and that he’s sweetest right before he falls asleep, and a jerk when he’s watching sports central. I know that his family frustrates him, but he doesn’t like to admit it, and that he loves adventure, but fears losing people. Me included.

He knows I overthink things. He knows I doubt. He knows the difference when I’m mad or when I just don’t feel like talking. And the truth is if he ever read this he would know it was about him.

He has never disrespected me, infact he’s a complete gentleman, but I don’t know where this is going to go, or if he wants it to go anywhere.

Maybe I need to just walk away for good, and believe me I’ve tried but somehow we always find our way back to eachother.

Here’s the history of Ken and I in a quick easy to understand nut-shell:

We met on Leap Day (Feb. 29th) of 2008 on myspace (I was 18, he was 19 turning 20). Started talking, exchanged numbers and the texting began. We texted eachother at least once a week (and by once a week I mean one full day of texting from 11am-3 am the next day… yeah we’re marathon texters).

We hung out a year after we started talking, and didn’t hang out again until 6 months later. We then hung out again a month later. A year and a half goes by and after returning from a trip abroad I tell him I have an oppertunity to move to europe for a year (he freaks out) and asks me out on our first official date the next night (who knew telling a guy you’re leaving the country for a year will make him step up to the plate?!) And that brings us up to now. Our date was 4 months ago… and while we were doing great right after it, he went on his own month long trip to europe and it hasn’t been the same since he got back.

I feel like I need to mention this as well:

He and I have discovered along the way that we met multiple times before the Leap Day meeting.

#1: We found out 2.5 years into knowing eachother that he used to coach my younger cousin’s Hockey team, and that I used to go to the practices and games and we used to flirt (I was 12, he was 14).

#2: We then discovered, after he told me his 1st real job was at a local movie theater, that he was the movie theater employee that my friends and I would go to the theater to see. I thought he was so “hot” and all my friends joked that he was my “boyfriend” and while there I’d shamelessly flirt with him, and he’d flirt back and I’d get embarassed. (I was 15, he was17)

(We didn’t recognize eachother because we both have changed over the years, but still…. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO MEET THIS GUY?!)

I feel like he’s scared. His oldest brother got a girl pregnant and got married young and has struggled ever since, and his second oldest brother is a perpetual bachelor that travels the country and has been dating the same girl off and on for years! I feel like he sees how happy the 2nd brother is and wants to emulate that lifestyle. I feel like eventually he’ll come around but I don’t know if I have the patience to wait around. And maybe that’s something I have to learn.

It’s a waiting game, and maybe its the ridiculous amount of soup I’ve consumed in the past couple days, but all this thinking makes me want to puke.

<3

 

 

 

shy, shy, shy.

It has been established that my feelings for my coworker are mutual. (Hurrrray, dance jump and sing!) After that confirmation was made we both agreed that a “date?” was in our near future. Seems simple enough right? It’s not.

I don’t know why dating has become so… confusing…

Was there really a time when a guy would ask you out, plan the date, and confirm that it was indeed A DATE?

Now a days it seems like the words “We should hang out” have replaced “I want to take you out on a date” as the go to standby of every guy I come across.

I can’t count the number of times a guy has asked me to “hang out” and I, with the assumption that he and I are just friends, go; only to discover as he’s buying my coffee and trying to kiss me that this “hang out” is really a date in disguise! Awkward moment indeed.

Now I am faced with THIS dilemma:

“Sonny” (my coworker) has confirmed that his feelings for me match mine for him. Which clears up some confusion… However, the conversations about a possible “date” have unfolded like this:

Sonny: So… when are we going to hangout?

Me: You tell me.

Sonny: Well, I don’t know. Think of something.

Me: No, you think of something.

Sonny: I don’t know… Think of something.

He uttered those oh so confusing words: LET’S HANGOUT. However, I am going to ignore them and assume that this is a date.

But that isn’t the problem. The problem is this has been going on for a week now and we have yet to pick a time, place, or activity to do on our “date”. (Frustrating? YES very.)

I know he is shy. I know he doesn’t have much experience with girls and dating (I don’t know why because he’s gorgeous!) and to me that isn’t a bad thing! The only problem with it is we’re getting no where because his “shy” demeanor is handicapping his decision-making.

Yes, I could plan a date and tell him when and where to show up, but I don’t want to. I’ve always felt what a guy plans for a date can tell you a lot about him and about how a relationship with him would be.

Example #1: Ken asked me to come over and watch movies at his house I later discovered he LOVES being at home.

Example #2: The firefighter that took me to a lake that was less than a mile from a HUGE brush fire, and asked if I thought it was romantic as ashes were falling down all around us and I was choking from the smoke in the air, I later found was OBSESSED with his job… and that obsession overflowed into other aspects of his life but you get the point.

Example #3: The guy that took me on a hike to a waterfall, playing his guitar the entire way, and seemed like a totally romantic and fun guy. Doesn’t seem bad huh? I thought he was a great catch until we were back at his place watching a movie and his friends burst into his room, started digging through his stuff and jumping all around us, and he said they did it all the time… I later found, when it came to his friends, this guy had no boundaries.

(It’s not rocket science, and I don’t judge a guy on the first date and dump him if it sucks but it seems to give me a good baseline for how things are going to go)

So while Sonny may be shy, I still want him to plan something. (And I know he has something in mind but his nerves are drowning him) I feel like all I can do is encourage him and confirm the fact that I like him, I’m not picky, and I don’t care what we do as long as it’s just me and him and we AREN’T at work.

To Be Continued. Cross your fingers for me!

<3