Dear “Alex”,
I used to consider you my other half. My male counterpart. The mac to my cheese. The only person I could share orange chicken with. The only person who would have a Twilight marathon with me (including the special features). I loved your smell and couldn’t stand to hear you say goodbye. You always sounded so sad hanging up the phone, or walking away, or getting in your car. I felt like I could hug you for a lifetime.
Anyone reading this would assume that you were an ex love, but in reality, you weren’t. You were just my best friend and I miss you terribly.
I can’t remember another time where I felt so torn. My heart is screaming at me, begging me to talk to you: “Respond to the messages! Let him back in!” But my head is yelling over my heart: “NO!”
I walked away from you. I had to. It broke my heart when our friendship became one sided. When you had no clue what was going on in my life and only called to vent about your own. It shattered me even further when lines you had fed to others about me, found their way back to my ears. Those words ate away at the love I had left for you and it was so easy to walk away from you that I felt guilty.
I felt guilty even though I did nothing wrong!
I miss you so much it hurts.
I guess I can’t say that you were just my best friend because, while I miss the friendship the most, I miss the times when we blurred the lines between friendship and romance. I miss kissing you. I miss the things you’d say while we were laying in bed. The balancing act we had, where we’d talk about our relationships, flings, and hookups. Where you’d tell me her name and whisper that I still gave the best head. When I’d complain about his foreplay methods and smile because you know no one else has ever touched me as well as you. And we’d both laugh with knowing smiles and stolen glances. And whenever the alcohol would flow we’d hug each other like friends do, but take turns whispering: “You’re my ideal.” “You’re the only person I want right now.”
I think I loved you.
I think you loved me.
We almost had a baby, but fate stepped in.
^I think that’s a huge part of why I can never seem to let you go, because for a short time a part of you was growing inside of me.
What I’m trying to say is I don’t know what to say. It’s been months since we’ve spoken, but I feel you reaching out to me. Maybe it’s just curiosity, but I can’t help but wonder if things could be repaired.
The hard part is this is a pattern for us. I always give you second chances, and you always end up leaving me in the dust. The only difference this time is I found out what you said about me, and I can’t forget that.My mind keeps replaying it over and over in my head. Those words have thrown blows with the sweet things you used to say.
My body is a battleground over you.
My head and my heart are at war and my stomach is turning.
I love you… I miss you… but idk what I’m going to do.
<3 Wendybirdgypsy
Odd Blood 