Dear Ken,

I hate to say it but I miss you.

Not the confusion or random flirting, but the conversation. I miss conversing with you. I miss reaching out to you at 3 am and talking til the sun was pushing at the horizon. I miss laughing… over and over and over. I miss you Mr. Casanova. When I switched the words to “Sweet Child of Mine” around so they spoke of a He and not a She… You were the He. The eyes like rain and hair that was continually comforting and quirky. The crooked smile that exploded across your face into a cheesy, chinky eyed, grin. Your James Dean stance and Angels baseball hat. I miss it all. The riddles we called small talk. For 3 years I notified you every time it rained… as if the water falling from the sky wasn’t notification enough… but as ridiculous as it was you always laughed and played along improvising surprise. I miss you’re humor and intelligence and the fact that you didn’t always agree with me… but you listened anyway. Sonny doesn’t always listen. I’M NOT COMPARING THE TWO OF YOU. Even though that’s really hard not to do. Let’s leave it at this: (SHORT AND SIMPLE) I miss you.

♥ WendyBirdGypsy

Getting back to me.

Before I was anything… a singer, a rocker, an artist, a girlfriend… I was a writer. It was the passion that enveloped me and pushed me forward. I was obsessive and quirky and driven to finish my books. I was creative and imaginative and dreamed of being published.

But then things started to get in the way…

I started a band which led to great things but also led me away from my writing … and now five years later my favorite stories in the making have been kept simmering for too long.

The characters are scratching at my head and wiggling their way back into my creative sector. Write. That’s all I want to do. I miss my stories. The playlists that accompanied them and the hours of research. I miss seeing the characters come to life and feeling the story unfolding.

I finished one book five years ago and its been sitting there untouched for just as long.

I need to shut out the world for a few days and spend some quality time with a blank page and my muses.

I need to go to that place no one knows about and let everything flow freely.

Think of it as a vacation.

But when I come back… I’ll have stories in hand.

♥ WendyBirdGypsy

the distracting “O” face.

Everyone has flaws. I know this and I accept it. I’m not trying to find the “perfect person” and I don’t strive to be “perfect” because I know it’s impossible and I’d rip myself to shreds in the process of trying to attain something so unreachable.

What I’m wondering is when the flaws are manageable and when they become too much to handle? Why is it I can deal with his antagonistic approach to life but when he bugs his eyes out during sex it drives me crazy. Not exactly crazy, but I can’t help but laugh. And then he asks me why I’m laughing and I have to shrug it off because I don’t want to tell him that his “O” face cracks me up and that if I’m going to get any satisfaction out of this romp-session we should probably turn the lights off. It’s not even just his eyes but the overall look on his face, its like a chimpanzee trying to figure out a puzzle and getting really frustrated in the process. His eyes bug out, his nostrils flare, he puffs out his cheeks, and his lips purse.

Basically this is what I get to look at (minus the tattoos)...

Now I’m not saying my boyfriend is unattractive in anyway. He’s incredibly attractive, but the faces he pulls during sex just bring on the giggles. We’ve tried different positions… but he likes to see my face. I try closing my eyes but he tells me to open them…  and all I can think is if I open my eyes I’m gonna lose myself to hysterics. ohhhhhhh what a dilemma I have. Oh “O” face gods please help my boyfriend find a less chuckle inducing way of showing his pleasure… PLEASE!!! Thank You.

♥ WendyBirdGypsy

awkward.

FIRST AN UPDATE:

I am now in a committed relationship with my coworker Sonny.

This does not mean stories of the other men are entirely gone, only that the stories of them will be less frequent… I am anticipating their reactions to my removal from the dating market and it should make for a few good posts.

So here’s where things get awkward.

I still live with my parents and younger brother so the privacy level in my house is close to zero. However, Sonny and I are determined to find ways around that. I’ll just put it out there: We like sex, and having sex in a house where someone else is always home and my bedroom door doesn’t lock is a bit of a mission. A mission we gladly accept.

Our mother’s (his and mine) are the one’s that make it awkward.

My mother has let him “spend the night” on multiple occasions which involves us BOTH sleeping in my room and me emerging in the morning with hickies (yes those horrible things I hate to have but love the feel of). She’s a young mom, only 20 yrs older than I am, and we are very open with each other. So she made it known that she knows we’re having sex. That’s awkward enough as it is. However, last night as Sonny and I are laying in my room watching TV with the lights off (and yes we were JUST watching TV) I get a text from my mom who was sitting in the living room. The text read:

Where did you guys go?

I was a bit confused so I texted her back:

What are you talking about we’ve been here the whole time. We’re watching TV in my room.

and her response was:

Dark room. I don’t hear a TV. I know what you guys are doing *insert my full name here*

I completely understand her position but find it a little weird that she has a problem with me watching TV in my room with my boyfriend, but she has no problem with him sleeping over…. odd.

While my mom’s actions were a bit awkward they are NOTHING compared to my boyfriend’s interactions with his mom later in the night.

He doesn’t have a car at the moment so his mom came to give him a ride home. He gets in the car and before he can say anything she says:

“I hope you’re using protection. You smell like sex.”

He was surprised and stammers:

“What are you talking about?”

To which she replies:

“I’m not stupid. I was young once too, and I know you really like her. Actually maybe this is a good thing, now you can finally give me grandbabies.”

He was shocked. I was more shocked. I haven’t even met this woman yet and she wants him to knock me up so she can have grandbabies?!

As he was telling me all this we both were fighting between laughter and shocked silence. Babies? Really?!

That woman is crazy.

For now I’ll leave it at that because I haven’t exactly processed last night entirely. More to come.

♥ WendyBirdGypsy

 

 

 

Dear “Ken”,

I can’t do this anymore. You inspire me beyond belief but I fear you’re more trouble than you’re worth. That’s horrible to say because you’re an amazing guy but 3.5 years is too long to stick around. I’m accepting that what I had hoped for is never going to happen between us, and maybe we can try just being friends (I think we’d be awesome friends). Just hold the flirting, exclude the half-naked pictures, and please don’t try to kiss me or mention how much you love my boobs anymore… That’ll make the “Friendship” a lil awkward. Sure you can stop by from time to time and we can have our hilariously pointless text convos, but don’t ask me on anymore awkward movie dates. The sad fact is I’ve been head over heels for you for 3.5 years and I’m just now realizing how much you suck at intimacy and commitment (maybe you don’t suck in general but YOU + I [do not] = a cohesive pair). You make me laugh, we have fun, but as far as romance goes things have been a little WHOMP… Whomp… Whaaaaa.

Anyways… Sorry you’ll never read this (because no one knows who I am and stuff) but hopefully my lack of interest in your all talk and no action attempts will help you get the point. Text-Ya-Later.

♥ WendyBirdGypsy

sick and tired.

***This is a post I wrote 2 weeks ago but forgot to post (most likely because I was sicker than a squished toad and in my germy fog forgot I had written it)

As of right now I’m sick. As in a coughing snotty mess with the attention span of a grape. And yet, I am going to try to write this because it needs to be done.

For 3.5 years I have been caught on the same turning merry-go-round with the same guy (“Ken”), where, just as the confusion and chaos begins to fade and I think maybe he’ll jump aboard or stop it all and let the spinning stop, he pushes the merry-go-round for one more mind crazed spin. By this point my heart is puking.

The simple question is: Why I haven’t just jumped ship and left him in the dust trying to figure out where I went…

Honestly? I don’t know know why.

I’ve known him for 3.5 years and can count on one hand the number of times we’ve hungout in person. And yet (and here’s the part that does me in and is most likely the reason I’ve stuck around for so long) he and I talk on a weekly, and when things are going really good, daily, basis. And yet (yes that line again) we only converse through text messages.

I am completely head over heels for a guy I only know through what he chooses to tell me in a message on a tiny glowing screen. I’m crazy right? If a girl was telling me all of this I would think she was insane and in need of a harsh dosage of reality. But because I’m the one in this situation, I feel like I can justify it, if not to anyone else, to myself (I know I still sound crazy).

The sad fact is this guy (I believe) knows me, gets me, end of story.

In my defense, it hasn’t been all about him over the years, (as you can probably tell from my previous posts) there have always been other men. It’s never been him or nothing. I’ve dated other guys, even had a serious relationship during that time, and I was happy. But here’s where the problem lies: When all those other guys are gone, or they just aren’t quite “cutting it” I wind up right back on the merry-go-round with Mr.Texter.

All I can wonder is why? Am I lonely? Am I bored? Or do I actually believe that there might be a possibility for true romance with this guy?

Here are the facts:

• He never ignores me.
• He’s told me details about his family.
• I’ve been to his house, and met his dog.
• He’s expressed genuine serious feelings…

And yet here is were we stand:

• 1 date
• 1 movie night at his house
• 2 random hangouts
• and millions of text messages

Looking at that, I honestly think I’ve lost it. He doesn’t feel real, and that is a horrible feeling.

Yes I’ve seen him smile and kiss me. I’ve seen him stressed and defeated. I’ve seen him laugh and seen it reach his eyes. But do I really know this guy?

I know his favorite teams, foods, color, and past times. I know that nothing comes before sleep on his list of favorite things to do, and that he’s sweetest right before he falls asleep, and a jerk when he’s watching sports central. I know that his family frustrates him, but he doesn’t like to admit it, and that he loves adventure, but fears losing people. Me included.

He knows I overthink things. He knows I doubt. He knows the difference when I’m mad or when I just don’t feel like talking. And the truth is if he ever read this he would know it was about him.

He has never disrespected me, infact he’s a complete gentleman, but I don’t know where this is going to go, or if he wants it to go anywhere.

Maybe I need to just walk away for good, and believe me I’ve tried but somehow we always find our way back to eachother.

Here’s the history of Ken and I in a quick easy to understand nut-shell:

We met on Leap Day (Feb. 29th) of 2008 on myspace (I was 18, he was 19 turning 20). Started talking, exchanged numbers and the texting began. We texted eachother at least once a week (and by once a week I mean one full day of texting from 11am-3 am the next day… yeah we’re marathon texters).

We hung out a year after we started talking, and didn’t hang out again until 6 months later. We then hung out again a month later. A year and a half goes by and after returning from a trip abroad I tell him I have an oppertunity to move to europe for a year (he freaks out) and asks me out on our first official date the next night (who knew telling a guy you’re leaving the country for a year will make him step up to the plate?!) And that brings us up to now. Our date was 4 months ago… and while we were doing great right after it, he went on his own month long trip to europe and it hasn’t been the same since he got back.

I feel like I need to mention this as well:

He and I have discovered along the way that we met multiple times before the Leap Day meeting.

#1: We found out 2.5 years into knowing eachother that he used to coach my younger cousin’s Hockey team, and that I used to go to the practices and games and we used to flirt (I was 12, he was 14).

#2: We then discovered, after he told me his 1st real job was at a local movie theater, that he was the movie theater employee that my friends and I would go to the theater to see. I thought he was so “hot” and all my friends joked that he was my “boyfriend” and while there I’d shamelessly flirt with him, and he’d flirt back and I’d get embarassed. (I was 15, he was17)

(We didn’t recognize eachother because we both have changed over the years, but still…. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO MEET THIS GUY?!)

I feel like he’s scared. His oldest brother got a girl pregnant and got married young and has struggled ever since, and his second oldest brother is a perpetual bachelor that travels the country and has been dating the same girl off and on for years! I feel like he sees how happy the 2nd brother is and wants to emulate that lifestyle. I feel like eventually he’ll come around but I don’t know if I have the patience to wait around. And maybe that’s something I have to learn.

It’s a waiting game, and maybe its the ridiculous amount of soup I’ve consumed in the past couple days, but all this thinking makes me want to puke.

<3

 

 

 

shy, shy, shy.

It has been established that my feelings for my coworker are mutual. (Hurrrray, dance jump and sing!) After that confirmation was made we both agreed that a “date?” was in our near future. Seems simple enough right? It’s not.

I don’t know why dating has become so… confusing…

Was there really a time when a guy would ask you out, plan the date, and confirm that it was indeed A DATE?

Now a days it seems like the words “We should hang out” have replaced “I want to take you out on a date” as the go to standby of every guy I come across.

I can’t count the number of times a guy has asked me to “hang out” and I, with the assumption that he and I are just friends, go; only to discover as he’s buying my coffee and trying to kiss me that this “hang out” is really a date in disguise! Awkward moment indeed.

Now I am faced with THIS dilemma:

“Sonny” (my coworker) has confirmed that his feelings for me match mine for him. Which clears up some confusion… However, the conversations about a possible “date” have unfolded like this:

Sonny: So… when are we going to hangout?

Me: You tell me.

Sonny: Well, I don’t know. Think of something.

Me: No, you think of something.

Sonny: I don’t know… Think of something.

He uttered those oh so confusing words: LET’S HANGOUT. However, I am going to ignore them and assume that this is a date.

But that isn’t the problem. The problem is this has been going on for a week now and we have yet to pick a time, place, or activity to do on our “date”. (Frustrating? YES very.)

I know he is shy. I know he doesn’t have much experience with girls and dating (I don’t know why because he’s gorgeous!) and to me that isn’t a bad thing! The only problem with it is we’re getting no where because his “shy” demeanor is handicapping his decision-making.

Yes, I could plan a date and tell him when and where to show up, but I don’t want to. I’ve always felt what a guy plans for a date can tell you a lot about him and about how a relationship with him would be.

Example #1: Ken asked me to come over and watch movies at his house I later discovered he LOVES being at home.

Example #2: The firefighter that took me to a lake that was less than a mile from a HUGE brush fire, and asked if I thought it was romantic as ashes were falling down all around us and I was choking from the smoke in the air, I later found was OBSESSED with his job… and that obsession overflowed into other aspects of his life but you get the point.

Example #3: The guy that took me on a hike to a waterfall, playing his guitar the entire way, and seemed like a totally romantic and fun guy. Doesn’t seem bad huh? I thought he was a great catch until we were back at his place watching a movie and his friends burst into his room, started digging through his stuff and jumping all around us, and he said they did it all the time… I later found, when it came to his friends, this guy had no boundaries.

(It’s not rocket science, and I don’t judge a guy on the first date and dump him if it sucks but it seems to give me a good baseline for how things are going to go)

So while Sonny may be shy, I still want him to plan something. (And I know he has something in mind but his nerves are drowning him) I feel like all I can do is encourage him and confirm the fact that I like him, I’m not picky, and I don’t care what we do as long as it’s just me and him and we AREN’T at work.

To Be Continued. Cross your fingers for me!

<3

i’ll be your calm.

image can be found here: http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=ocean%20rain%20sun&order=9&offset=24#/d14fthr

If Sonny is the earth and I am the water, then together we are an ocean. I have waves and he has stability. Together we have depths and secrets and an understanding.

If I am the sky then he is the rain running through and washing over me. And I am clean and he is pure and together we shine.

When you are tense I am calm. When I am tense you are calm. Together we form a balance. A turning that never spins out.

We laugh. We smile. We understand.

<3

it’s funny.

It’s funny. That’s the only way to describe the feeling when the world stops, and you see lives around you changing. When crying and smiling is all your mind can fathom. When you feel yourself being pulled in the same direction. And you’re happy. Exstatically happy. Because in a year or two, that person that stops the world and changes life as everyone knows it, just might be you. And you’ll smile and cry some more. And you’ll think back to when you realized that this is growing up. And your future isn’t that far off.

No song can capture this excitement.

My mind is numb from pure joy. I always associated this numb feeling with anger and sorrow, but I realize now it comes with overwhelming happiness too. The only difference is it feels bubbly. Like if I sat long enough I’d float away.

I am happy for the lives my friends are creating, and I wish them all the luck and joy that this world can give, and when that isn’t enough I know that their friends back “Home” will be there to pick up the slack.

Sometimes the most unexpected occurances can be the most life changing.

a second chance?

Dear “Alex”,

I used to consider you my other half. My male counterpart. The mac to my cheese. The only person I could share orange chicken with. The only person who would have a Twilight marathon with me (including the special features). I loved your smell and couldn’t stand to hear you say goodbye. You always sounded so sad hanging up the phone, or walking away, or getting in your car. I felt like I could hug you for a lifetime.

Anyone reading this would assume that you were an ex love, but in reality, you weren’t. You were just my best friend and I miss you terribly.

I can’t remember another time where I felt so torn. My heart is screaming at me, begging me to talk to you: “Respond to the messages! Let him back in!” But my head is yelling over my heart: “NO!”

I walked away from you. I had to. It broke my heart when our friendship became one sided. When you had no clue what was going on in my life and only called to vent about your own. It shattered me even further when lines you had fed to others about me, found their way back to my ears. Those words ate away at the love I had left for you and it was so easy to walk away from you that I felt guilty.

I felt guilty even though I did nothing wrong!

I miss you so much it hurts.

I guess I can’t say that you were just my best friend because, while I miss the friendship the most, I miss the times when we blurred the lines between friendship and romance. I miss kissing you. I miss the things you’d say while we were laying in bed. The balancing act we had, where we’d talk about our relationships, flings, and hookups. Where you’d tell me her name and whisper that I still gave the best head. When I’d complain about his foreplay methods and smile because you know no one else has ever touched me as well as you. And we’d both laugh with knowing smiles and stolen glances. And whenever the alcohol would flow we’d hug each other like friends do, but take turns whispering: “You’re my ideal.” “You’re the only person I want right now.”

I think I loved you.

I think you loved me.

We almost had a baby, but fate stepped in.

^I think that’s a huge part of why I can never seem to let you go, because for a short time a part of you was growing inside of me.

What I’m trying to say is I don’t know what to say. It’s been months since we’ve spoken, but I feel you reaching out to me. Maybe it’s just curiosity, but I can’t help but wonder if things could be repaired.

The hard part is this is a pattern for us. I always give you second chances, and you always end up leaving me in the dust. The only difference this time is I found out what you said about me, and I can’t forget that.My mind keeps replaying it over and over in my head. Those words have thrown blows with the sweet things you used to say.

My body is a battleground over you.

My head and my heart are at war and my stomach is turning.

I love you… I miss you… but idk what I’m going to do.

<3  Wendybirdgypsy